I Got Fired Today. Seriously.

Just to clear the air, I didn't lose my job today; however, I was fired. I've been engaged in an ongoing battle with Ms. Lawyer Lady (my divorce attorney) over the way she's handled my case. Realistically, she and her assistant have done little more than clerical work. Ms. Ex-Wife Lady and I came to an agreement on the terms of our divorce outside of legal counsel. On our own time.

The Ms. Lawyer Lady's job was essentially filing motions and using the little-known, but highly effective "search and replace" function common to many word processors. Other than that I'm fairly certain the majority of her time was spent trying to find creative methods of overbilling.

Seriously. A single e-mail exchange cost $54. Granted, I asked a lot of questions, but it's not as if she had to dig deep in the well to find the answers.

On December 3rd, the 60-day waiting period expired, the judge had already approved the agreement, and we were ready for the rubber stamp. Until Ms. Lawyer Lady called asking for an additional $3,000 to replenish the original retainer. At this point, she'd already received $3,000 and billed approximately $2,900. She had two hours worth of work to dole out to her assistant to finalize the paperwork. I'm guessing it's about $300 worth of work.

Showing her benevolent side, she agreed to accept $1,000 to move forward. I paid the $1,000 and expected to move forward as suggested. Upon receiving the check, Ms. Lawyer Lady sent an e-mail saying, "Thanks! Once we receive an additional $1,000 we'll find a convenient time to "prove up" the paperwork at the courthouse.

Mu'sucka say what?

While I'm generally a rational person, I've never appreciated getting fucked in the ass without the courtesy of a reach around. I ain't going out like that…

My response was as follows:

Ms. Lawyer Lady,

I'm in receipt of your message from earlier today. I find the request for an additional $1,000 to be both disquieting and disingenuous. Before responding in full, could you please tell me: with the monies paid to-date, do I own the work product?

Her long response referred to contracts and billing practices and regrets and so on. At no point did she offer to eat a bowl of dicks, which would have satisfied my angst. In any case, I let it sit for a week. Though I'm certain to see this exchange billed on my next statement, she confirmed I do, indeed, own the work product.

Today, Ms. Ex-Wife Lady called me. She'd just spoken with Mr. Lawyer Man (her divorce attorney), who'd finally received a voice mail from Ms. Lawyer Lady after he left five unreturned messages. Ms. Lawyer Lady informed him that she had withdrawn from representing me in this case.

Hmm….

I called Ms. Lawyer Lady at lunch.

"Hi, Ms. Lawyer Lady. This is Brenden Scott. I'm calling with regard to an interesting phone call I received earlier today."

"Hi, Brenden. How are you?"

"I'm good, thanks for asking."

I then explained my conversation with Ms. Ex-Wife Lady.

"So, what I'm wondering is: have you, in fact, withdrawn representation?"

"Yes. We're drafting a letter today to send to you. The motion has been filed in court and Mr. Lawyer Man conceded without objection. So once you get the letter, unless you have any objection, we can arrange a time for you to come down and pick up your file. How does that sound?"

"Perfect. Thanks."

Now, I already knew Mr. Lawyer Man had agreed to close out the paperwork once he had it in hand. Honestly, this is the best thing that could happen. I won't have to pay another dime to the swindler, and I should be officially, finally, completely divorced in about 10 days.

Yeah, me!

I never thought I'd be so happy about getting fired.

Aesthetic Outbursts

In the movie Searching for the Wrong-eyed Jesus, two British documentary filmmakers are led on a tour of the American south by Jim White. The soundtrack, some of which is Mr. White's southern Goth, is haunting.

In one scene, Mr. White describes a tree he'd seen that had been decorated with, literally, hundreds of milk of magnesia bottles. He called it an "aesthetic outburst."

While this DIY applesauce maker doesn't strictly qualify as such an outburst, it comes damn close. This makes me wish I had a LOT more free time.

Gains in Efficiency Lead to New Mission Statement

A Plea for Ring Tone Diversity

As a 30-year-old who still likes having a cool ring tone, I may not be in the majority; however, I've learned an important lesson this morning. I've had Sister Nancy as my primary ring tone for most of the past nine months. This morning, Bam Bam came on the shuffle. Completely ruined the song. It was like having my phone ring for three-and-a-half minutes.

I now recognize the need to either grow up, or rotate the ring tone before anymore good (and entirely innocent) songs are ruined by gluttony. I implore you to join me on this important crusade.

Rotate the ring tone! Save the music!

Dateline: Hazard County

The e-mail my father sent to the redneck teacher went to approximately 50 people. The response posted here at Suburban Burlesque was, in fact, the only response he received. I find it a little disappointing.

And another funny thing happened...

Last Friday I sent a link to this blog to a school teacher friend. I thought other school teachers might be interested. He couldn't access the link because the school network filtered the word "burlesque." I found just a little bit of irony in that.

Amusing Myself to Death #001

Several months ago I had a great idea for a blog. I'd call it amusing myself to death, and the only items I'd post were the random and frivolous things that made me laugh. Nothing with any serious depth. Just thoughts and observation.

When I finally decided to go for it, I discovered someone had already taken the name. Bummer. Maybe it wasn't actually a great idea anyway. Perhaps just a decent one.

Not all is lost, though. I've decided to proceed with idea, only it will be part of the blog I already have here. An occasional feature. And here's the first.

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At work we have an annual sales contest between four-to-six call centers supporting the same client. The phone agents are rewarded for selling longer subscriptions to the service. The site with the highest average length of subscriptions sold over a 10-day period receives a shiny new trophy. And bragging rights, of course.

For a variety of reasons, the sales data has always been a little dodgy. The site managers sometimes have a good sense of humor about it. This year one of the site managers whose team had narrowly lost, sent me the following e-mail:

Hey is this another Ohio thing?!?! Re-count!!!

Here's my response:

Mr. Jones,

Thank you for your interest in the sales competition process. Your claims have already been reviewed and rejected by the sales competition advisory board; however, we wish you the best of luck in next year's competition.

Sincerely,

Conrad Bush
SVP, Customer Inquiries
The Man, Inc.
Keeping Good People Down

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Hahaha! Well, at the very least, I thought it was funny. And so did Mr. Jones.

If You Don't Like TO, He Better Owe You Money

The Dallas Cowboys' first home playoff game in years is tomorrow. This has been the season of destiny for many reasons. I've been concerned for the past few weeks, but I saw Tony Romo on television this morning.

He's back! Big ears and all.

The verdict: Cowboys by 10.

More to come later...

Updated Monday, 01/14 @ 10:02 p.m.

So I never got back to this post over the weekend. Now that the Cowboys have lost, I'm slightly embarrassed by my bold proclamation. Oh, well. No one can take this season away. In the pre-season I put the Cowboys at 10 wins on the high side. 13 wins and some amazing games make it all worthwhile.

I don't care what anybody says, I love Tony Romo & T.O. & Marion Barber. And if it didn't offend their parents or guardians, I'd adopt them as my own.

See ya next season, boys!

Rules to Live By!

Learn it. Know it. Live it.

Thanks, Lance. At least some of our children are in good hands. And the weird thing is...you're the one who actually looks like a hillbilly snake handler.

Rule #1: Act right

Rule #2: Raise your hand

Rule #3: Follow directions

Rule #4: Don't freak out

Rule #5: Make good choices

"Once in a while you get shown the light, in the strangest of places if you look at it right."

Hazard County Redemption

We have a response folks! Apparently someone in the district has a conscience and a heart.

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Dear Mr. *****,

Thank you very much for sending out this email and printing the truth. I am sure you saw my name as one of the recipients of the email you are referring to. It is amazing and appalling that many of these people have a post- secondary education but they automatically believe everything they read in emails and verify nothing before forwarding to others. Nor do they feel the acceptable use policy pertains to them. Many of them do this frequently despite reminders from the Director of Technology. Nor do they seem embarrassed or bothered by sending out incorrect information and rarely, if ever, apologize or try to correct the misinformation. I am sadly afraid that most who forwarded the email will not follow-up with your letter that actually list the facts.

*** *** ******
Teacher
****** High School

Jurisprudence in Hazard County

As I said before, my father has a lot of time on his hands. In serious times like these, it's good to have a research department at your disposal. As he researched Texas education codes to discover what punitive hell awaits our favorite dumb-assed school teacher, he came across a real gem in Texas law.

Keep in mind, this law was renewed in 1993, well after most people recognized the end of the Cold War.

§ 557.022. RESTRICTIONS. (a) The name of a communist may not be printed on the ballot for any primary or general election in this state or a political subdivision of this state. (b) A person may not hold a non-elected office or position with the state or any political subdivision of the state if: (1) any of the compensation for the office or position comes from public funds of this state or a political subdivision of this state; and (2) the employer or superior of the person has reasonable grounds to believe that the person is a communist. Added by Acts 1993, 73rd Leg., ch. 268, § 1, eff. Sept. 1, 1993.

As Mel Allen would've said, "How 'bout that?!!"

It's also come to our attention the parents of the racist school teacher are, respectively, a principal and guidance counselor within the same district. To quote my father, "Out of the gene pool you hillbilly snake handlers!"