I Got Fired Today. Seriously.

Just to clear the air, I didn't lose my job today; however, I was fired. I've been engaged in an ongoing battle with Ms. Lawyer Lady (my divorce attorney) over the way she's handled my case. Realistically, she and her assistant have done little more than clerical work. Ms. Ex-Wife Lady and I came to an agreement on the terms of our divorce outside of legal counsel. On our own time.

The Ms. Lawyer Lady's job was essentially filing motions and using the little-known, but highly effective "search and replace" function common to many word processors. Other than that I'm fairly certain the majority of her time was spent trying to find creative methods of overbilling.

Seriously. A single e-mail exchange cost $54. Granted, I asked a lot of questions, but it's not as if she had to dig deep in the well to find the answers.

On December 3rd, the 60-day waiting period expired, the judge had already approved the agreement, and we were ready for the rubber stamp. Until Ms. Lawyer Lady called asking for an additional $3,000 to replenish the original retainer. At this point, she'd already received $3,000 and billed approximately $2,900. She had two hours worth of work to dole out to her assistant to finalize the paperwork. I'm guessing it's about $300 worth of work.

Showing her benevolent side, she agreed to accept $1,000 to move forward. I paid the $1,000 and expected to move forward as suggested. Upon receiving the check, Ms. Lawyer Lady sent an e-mail saying, "Thanks! Once we receive an additional $1,000 we'll find a convenient time to "prove up" the paperwork at the courthouse.

Mu'sucka say what?

While I'm generally a rational person, I've never appreciated getting fucked in the ass without the courtesy of a reach around. I ain't going out like that…

My response was as follows:

Ms. Lawyer Lady,

I'm in receipt of your message from earlier today. I find the request for an additional $1,000 to be both disquieting and disingenuous. Before responding in full, could you please tell me: with the monies paid to-date, do I own the work product?

Her long response referred to contracts and billing practices and regrets and so on. At no point did she offer to eat a bowl of dicks, which would have satisfied my angst. In any case, I let it sit for a week. Though I'm certain to see this exchange billed on my next statement, she confirmed I do, indeed, own the work product.

Today, Ms. Ex-Wife Lady called me. She'd just spoken with Mr. Lawyer Man (her divorce attorney), who'd finally received a voice mail from Ms. Lawyer Lady after he left five unreturned messages. Ms. Lawyer Lady informed him that she had withdrawn from representing me in this case.

Hmm….

I called Ms. Lawyer Lady at lunch.

"Hi, Ms. Lawyer Lady. This is Brenden Scott. I'm calling with regard to an interesting phone call I received earlier today."

"Hi, Brenden. How are you?"

"I'm good, thanks for asking."

I then explained my conversation with Ms. Ex-Wife Lady.

"So, what I'm wondering is: have you, in fact, withdrawn representation?"

"Yes. We're drafting a letter today to send to you. The motion has been filed in court and Mr. Lawyer Man conceded without objection. So once you get the letter, unless you have any objection, we can arrange a time for you to come down and pick up your file. How does that sound?"

"Perfect. Thanks."

Now, I already knew Mr. Lawyer Man had agreed to close out the paperwork once he had it in hand. Honestly, this is the best thing that could happen. I won't have to pay another dime to the swindler, and I should be officially, finally, completely divorced in about 10 days.

Yeah, me!

I never thought I'd be so happy about getting fired.

Aesthetic Outbursts

In the movie Searching for the Wrong-eyed Jesus, two British documentary filmmakers are led on a tour of the American south by Jim White. The soundtrack, some of which is Mr. White's southern Goth, is haunting.

In one scene, Mr. White describes a tree he'd seen that had been decorated with, literally, hundreds of milk of magnesia bottles. He called it an "aesthetic outburst."

While this DIY applesauce maker doesn't strictly qualify as such an outburst, it comes damn close. This makes me wish I had a LOT more free time.

Gains in Efficiency Lead to New Mission Statement

A Plea for Ring Tone Diversity

As a 30-year-old who still likes having a cool ring tone, I may not be in the majority; however, I've learned an important lesson this morning. I've had Sister Nancy as my primary ring tone for most of the past nine months. This morning, Bam Bam came on the shuffle. Completely ruined the song. It was like having my phone ring for three-and-a-half minutes.

I now recognize the need to either grow up, or rotate the ring tone before anymore good (and entirely innocent) songs are ruined by gluttony. I implore you to join me on this important crusade.

Rotate the ring tone! Save the music!

Dateline: Hazard County

The e-mail my father sent to the redneck teacher went to approximately 50 people. The response posted here at Suburban Burlesque was, in fact, the only response he received. I find it a little disappointing.

And another funny thing happened...

Last Friday I sent a link to this blog to a school teacher friend. I thought other school teachers might be interested. He couldn't access the link because the school network filtered the word "burlesque." I found just a little bit of irony in that.

Amusing Myself to Death #001

Several months ago I had a great idea for a blog. I'd call it amusing myself to death, and the only items I'd post were the random and frivolous things that made me laugh. Nothing with any serious depth. Just thoughts and observation.

When I finally decided to go for it, I discovered someone had already taken the name. Bummer. Maybe it wasn't actually a great idea anyway. Perhaps just a decent one.

Not all is lost, though. I've decided to proceed with idea, only it will be part of the blog I already have here. An occasional feature. And here's the first.

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At work we have an annual sales contest between four-to-six call centers supporting the same client. The phone agents are rewarded for selling longer subscriptions to the service. The site with the highest average length of subscriptions sold over a 10-day period receives a shiny new trophy. And bragging rights, of course.

For a variety of reasons, the sales data has always been a little dodgy. The site managers sometimes have a good sense of humor about it. This year one of the site managers whose team had narrowly lost, sent me the following e-mail:

Hey is this another Ohio thing?!?! Re-count!!!

Here's my response:

Mr. Jones,

Thank you for your interest in the sales competition process. Your claims have already been reviewed and rejected by the sales competition advisory board; however, we wish you the best of luck in next year's competition.

Sincerely,

Conrad Bush
SVP, Customer Inquiries
The Man, Inc.
Keeping Good People Down

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Hahaha! Well, at the very least, I thought it was funny. And so did Mr. Jones.

If You Don't Like TO, He Better Owe You Money

The Dallas Cowboys' first home playoff game in years is tomorrow. This has been the season of destiny for many reasons. I've been concerned for the past few weeks, but I saw Tony Romo on television this morning.

He's back! Big ears and all.

The verdict: Cowboys by 10.

More to come later...

Updated Monday, 01/14 @ 10:02 p.m.

So I never got back to this post over the weekend. Now that the Cowboys have lost, I'm slightly embarrassed by my bold proclamation. Oh, well. No one can take this season away. In the pre-season I put the Cowboys at 10 wins on the high side. 13 wins and some amazing games make it all worthwhile.

I don't care what anybody says, I love Tony Romo & T.O. & Marion Barber. And if it didn't offend their parents or guardians, I'd adopt them as my own.

See ya next season, boys!

Rules to Live By!

Learn it. Know it. Live it.

Thanks, Lance. At least some of our children are in good hands. And the weird thing is...you're the one who actually looks like a hillbilly snake handler.

Rule #1: Act right

Rule #2: Raise your hand

Rule #3: Follow directions

Rule #4: Don't freak out

Rule #5: Make good choices

"Once in a while you get shown the light, in the strangest of places if you look at it right."

Hazard County Redemption

We have a response folks! Apparently someone in the district has a conscience and a heart.

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Dear Mr. *****,

Thank you very much for sending out this email and printing the truth. I am sure you saw my name as one of the recipients of the email you are referring to. It is amazing and appalling that many of these people have a post- secondary education but they automatically believe everything they read in emails and verify nothing before forwarding to others. Nor do they feel the acceptable use policy pertains to them. Many of them do this frequently despite reminders from the Director of Technology. Nor do they seem embarrassed or bothered by sending out incorrect information and rarely, if ever, apologize or try to correct the misinformation. I am sadly afraid that most who forwarded the email will not follow-up with your letter that actually list the facts.

*** *** ******
Teacher
****** High School

Jurisprudence in Hazard County

As I said before, my father has a lot of time on his hands. In serious times like these, it's good to have a research department at your disposal. As he researched Texas education codes to discover what punitive hell awaits our favorite dumb-assed school teacher, he came across a real gem in Texas law.

Keep in mind, this law was renewed in 1993, well after most people recognized the end of the Cold War.

§ 557.022. RESTRICTIONS. (a) The name of a communist may not be printed on the ballot for any primary or general election in this state or a political subdivision of this state. (b) A person may not hold a non-elected office or position with the state or any political subdivision of the state if: (1) any of the compensation for the office or position comes from public funds of this state or a political subdivision of this state; and (2) the employer or superior of the person has reasonable grounds to believe that the person is a communist. Added by Acts 1993, 73rd Leg., ch. 268, § 1, eff. Sept. 1, 1993.

As Mel Allen would've said, "How 'bout that?!!"

It's also come to our attention the parents of the racist school teacher are, respectively, a principal and guidance counselor within the same district. To quote my father, "Out of the gene pool you hillbilly snake handlers!"

Further Dispatches from Hazard County

This my father's slightly more measured response. As a terribly vain person, I can't stop myself from telling you I helped. The thoughts are his. The surf wax is mine.

This message was actually delivered to the unsuspecting sender of the original message. No response yet. Details to follow.

Updated @ 7:19 pm on 01/11

It turns out the perpetrator is a woman. Snoops McGee, P.I., and senior member of the research department here at Suburban Burlesque did a last minute sex check. The old fake phone call did the trick.

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Ms. ****:

Yesterday I came into receipt of an e-mail entitled, “Who is Barack Obama.” While it’s obvious you didn’t author the piece, your name and contact information appear at the bottom. As you also forwarded this e-mail to a number of people, I assume you fully endorse the content.

After reading the first few paragraphs, it became clear that the it was nothing more than another transparent political smear. Sadly, we all see or hear this type of thing on a seemingly daily basis.

Normally, I would have deleted it without a second thought, but I was slightly vexed by the source of the e-mail. You see, Ms. ****, your e-mail was forwarded to me by a public school teacher who received it at her public school e-mail address.

This teacher had not yet checked her inbox when one of her colleagues came into her classroom to ask if she’d seen it. Now, aside from her colleague being an oft-recognized, skilled, and dedicated middle school teacher, she is a practicing Muslim. Before I go on, Ms. ****, I’d like to share something that should at the very least give you pause, and perhaps even reason to take a long look into the nature of your heart.

After my friend opened and read the e-mail you generated, she was outraged. She forwarded it to me before calling and asking that I read it immediately. The anger in her voice was palpable, Ms. ****.

In contrast—as I was later told—her colleague showed no visible signs of outrage. She only voiced sad concern for the students sitting in the classrooms of the teachers who were propagating this smear; and who, in their ignorance, were unlikely to recognize the unconscious damage they might inflict on the children they teach.

Her concern for others in the face of such an ugly and unnecessary affront is commendable. And an example we would all do well to remember.

Before moving onto the substance your messages, and what, if any, actions I might consider taking in response, may I suggest you find and read the writings of St. John of the Cross. Of particular interest are his thoughts on, “The Long Dark Night of the Soul.”

By now, my reasons for deciding to further investigate (rather than simply shaking my head and clicking delete) should be clear. If not, I’ll make it abundantly clear to you and your like minded associates. For those entrusted with the hearts and minds of our children, bearing false witness in this manner, and with all the sub-text of racism and fear, is simply unconscionable. Never mind the fact it was generated within tax-payer owned facilities by an employee of the public. It’s my sincere hope that for the most part ignorance plays the greater role in this, but I’ve been around a long time and I know that not everyone involved can claim that unacceptable excuse. And for those who are educators, this excuse is far weaker still.

After printing out your email and giving a more careful read I was struck by your statement: “We checked this out on snopes.com. It is factual. Check for yourself.”

Taking your advice I visited the Snopes’ Web Site. I must tell you Ms. ****, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

The first thing posted on snopes.com is a copy of your very same e-mail. As I scrolled down the screen, the very next paragraph was as follows:

“One version of the e-mail in circulation claims "We were told this was checked out on 'snopes.com'. It is factual. Check for yourself." and includes a link to this web site. It's our guess that whoever included that bit was counting on folks to not check, as our article says the opposite: that the polemic is not factual but rather is false.”

You see Ms. ****, like me, I guess you didn’t know that Snopes.com is a well-known fact checking site. The contents of your e-mail were in fact the subject for their very thorough, well-documented process for debunking smears, myths, and urban legends. What follows are a few samples—courtesy of the recommended Web site—that do little to corroborate the “facts” in your e-mail:

[please note that any statements in brackets are my personal observations]

**** e-mail: Obama takes great care to conceal the fact that he is a Muslim. He is quick to point out that, "He was once a Muslim, but that he also attended Catholic school." Obama's political handlers are attempting to make it appear that he is not a radical.

Snopes.com: Barack Obama never stated that he "was once a Muslim" (radical or otherwise), so his "handlers" have nothing to "conceal."

**** e-mail: Obama was enrolled in a Wahabi school in Jakarta. Wahabism is the RADICAL teaching that is followed by the Muslim terrorists who are now waging Jihad against the western world.

Snopes.com: CNN has more recently reported that its own investigation found those claims to be false: [R]eporting by CNN in Jakarta, Indonesia and Washington, D.C., shows the allegations that Obama attended a madrassa to be false. CNN dispatched Senior International Correspondent John Vause to Jakarta to investigate. He visited the Basuki school, which Obama attended from 1969 to 1971.

"This is a public school. We don't focus on religion," Hardi Priyono, deputy headmaster of the Basuki school, told Vause. "In our daily lives, we try to respect religion, but we don't give preferential treatment." Vause reported he saw boys and girls dressed in neat school uniforms playing outside the school, while teachers were dressed in Western-style clothes.

"I came here to Barack Obama's elementary school in Jakarta looking for what some are calling an Islamic madrassa ... like the ones that teach hate and violence in Pakistan and Afghanistan," Vause said on the 'Situation Room.' "I've been to those madrassas in Pakistan ... this school is nothing like that." Vause also interviewed one of Obama's Basuki classmates, Bandug Winadijanto, who claims that not a lot has changed at the school since the two men were pupils.

Insight reported that Obama's political opponents believed the school promoted Wahhabism, a fundamentalist form of Islam, "and are seeking to prove it." "It's not (an) Islamic school. It's general," Winadijanto said. "There is a lot of Christians, Buddhists, also Confucian. ... So that's a mixed school."

**** e-mail: Since it is politically expedient to be a CHRISTIAN when seeking major public office in the United States, Barack Hussein Obama has joined the United Church of Christ in an attempt to downplay his Muslim background.

Snopes.com: Obama was first elected to the Illinois state senate in 1996, but he has been involved with the United Church of Christ since the mid-1980s.) The beginnings of Obama's relationship with the church were described in an April 2004 /Chicago Sun-Times/ article: Obama is unapologetic in saying he has a "personal relationship with Jesus Christ." As a sign of that relationship, he says, he walked down the aisle of Chicago's Trinity United Church of Christ in response to the Rev. Jeremiah Wright's altar call one Sunday morning about 16 years ago.

**** e-mail: ALSO, keep in mind that when he was sworn into office he DID NOT use the Holy Bible, but instead the Koran.

Snopes.com: This statement is completely false. It is a mistaken reference to a different politician, Minnesota congressman Keith Ellison.

[Ms. ****, Senator Obama has always been sworn in with his hand on the Bible and the most cursory research on your part would have revealed numerous photos of the Senator at various swearing-in ceremonies with his hand on the bible. May I also remind you that as a teacher, surely you know that our Constitution is explicit in barring any religious “test” being applied to any office holder? Furthermore, there are more than a handful of former elected officials currently serving prison time who all swore on the Bible.]

The point being, it’s not where your hand is, but rather where your heart is.

**** e-mail: Barack Hussein Obama will NOT recite the Pledge of Allegiance nor will he show any reverence for our flag. While others place their hands over their hearts, Obama turns his back to the flag and slouches.

Snopes.com: Senator Obama drew some criticism over a photograph that showed him standing without his hand over his heart during the playing of the U.S. national anthem, but the claim that he "will NOT recite the Pledge of Allegiance" is false.

[Everyone has their back to flag in the picture. We can reasonably assume that there was a separate flag in front. And if you watch or attend many ballgames Coach, you’ll surely notice a large number of people don’t put their hand over their hearts during the anthem. I myself for instance usually stand and remove my hat; And, while I can’t really remember the last time I recited the Pledge of Allegiance, just like Senator Obama, I always put my hand over my heart. Once again, there is abundant photographic & video tape evidence is readily available to anyone with a concern about this.]

Snopes.com provides a list of all references used in their research. It’s worth noting they never use anonymous sources. They also link a number of other useful sources that one can access for more detailed information.

Please understand Ms. ****, that by disseminating this message, you’ve essentially stamped it with your very own electronic signature. Given how you vouched for the veracity of your statements—as did many of your like-minded friends who forwarded this unsubstantiated, racist trash with similar intent, you all have, knowingly, or recklessly posted false or defamatory information about a person or organization*.

* excerpted from the Bonham School District’s policy regarding the acceptable use of computers for employees (4.e)

I’m not a lawyer, Ms. ****, so I don’t know if you are actually subject to any sort of punitive damages; however, you have clearly transgressed the ethical standards of your school, your state, and any Christian church I know to exist. Your email immediately brought to mind something Mark Twain famously said, “A lie travels half way ‘round the world before the truth can even get its shoes on.”

My only interest is in fulfilling a personal obligation to take whatever action I can to mitigate the damage you and your colleagues have already inflicted. As a person of compassion and faith, I feel responsible for trying to prevent this racist trash from having any further impact on our public schools and children.

I can only imagine the justifiable reaction of a Black Muslim Parent, an African-American Catholic Parent, or a White Atheist Parent. And I surely can’t imagine how a parent could possibly explain to their children the nature or intent of your hateful message. Can you?

I’m truly at a loss here because I also understand the damage you cause to all those who had nothing to do with this shameful piece. So, in honor of Mark Twain, Ms. ****, put on your track shoes and let me know how you plan on rectifying your reckless and obvious mistake.

Sincerely,

Mr. ***** *. *****

******@*****.com

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Give 'em the heater, Pop!

That's my dad, motherfuckers!

Never again question my over-developed sense of justice. I come by it honestly.

Fear and Loathing in Hazard County

Updated 7:43 pm 01/11/2008

Since the perpetrator turned out to be a woman, I've made some revisions. in red.

The early start of the election cycle wore me out pretty quickly. At best, I've been a disinterested observer. Thanks to the message below, it is officially on like Voltron. The following tirade was sent by a middle school teacher to ALL teachers at his school (in her district!). Aside from being ignorant, racist brain vomit; the presumptuous nature of this dickhead's (ass-clown's) distribution may also be a frightening indictment of hiring practices in public schools.

Apparently the KKK strongly supports No Child Left Behind.

The original message is in blue. My comments are in brackets.

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Who is Barack Obama?

Something that should be considered when you make your choice.

If you do not ever forward anything else, please forward this to all your contacts...it is very scary to think of what could lie ahead for us here in our own United States...better heed this and pray about it and share it.

We checked this out on "snopes.com". It is factual. Check for yourself.

[My father has a lot of spare time, so he actually fact checked all of this on snopes. At the very least, this much is true: Obama is black, and he moved around a lot]

Who is Barack Obama?

Probable U. S. presidential candidate, Barack Hussein Obama was born in Honolulu, Hawaii, to Barack Hussein Obama, Sr., a black MUSLIM from Nyangoma-Kogel, Kenya and Ann Dunham, a white Athiest from Wichita, Kansas.

[Probable? He's already won the Iowa caucus and lost the New Hampshire primary, dipshit]

[The sheriff's a nigger!]

Obama's parents met at the University of Hawaii. When Obama was two years old, his parents divorced. His father returned to Kenya. His mother then married Lolo Soetoro, a RADICAL Muslim from Indonesia.

[RADICAL = liberal Democrat who protects QUEERS and HUMAN RIGHTS]

When Obama was 6 years old, the family relocated to Indonesia. Obama attended a MUSLIM school in Jakarta. He also spent two years in a Catholic school.

[I'm assuming the reference to Catholic school indicates a penchant for little boys. So, now Obama is a RADICAL MUSLIM PEDOPHILE. What's next, flag desecration?]

Obama takes great care to conceal the fact that he is a Muslim. He is quick to point out that, "He was once a Muslim, but that he also attended Catholic school."

Obama's political handlers are attempting to make it appear that he is not a radical.

Obama's introduction to Islam came via his father, and that this influence was temporary at best. In reality, the senior Obama returned to Kenya soon after the divorce, and never again had any direct influence over his son's education.

[Comes from a broken home. Just like Bill Clinton. Obviously, he's also a SKIRT CHASER]

Lolo Soetoro, the second husband of Obama's mother, Ann Dunham, introduced his stepson to Islam. Obama was enrolled in a Wahabi school in Jakarta.

Wahabism is the RADICAL ISLAMIC teaching that is followed by the Muslim terrorists who are now waging Jihad against the western world. Since it is politically expedient to be a CHRISTIAN when seeking major public office in the United States, Barack Hussein Obama has joined the United Church of Christ in an attempt to downplay his Muslim background. ALSO, keep in mind that when he was sworn into office he DID NOT use the Holy Bible, but instead the Koran.

[Obama=RADICAL ISLAMIST=TERRORIST]

[What is wrong with these fear-mongering bitches? Who's responsible for the "political expediency" of being a CHRISTIAN? Um, let's see…that would be AMERICAN CONSERVATIVES.]

Barack Hussein Obama will NOT recite the Pledge of Allegience nor will he show any reverence for our flag. While others place their hands over their hearts, Obama turns his back to the flag and slouches.

[This, along with the Koran thing, are pretty much the same as desecrating the flag, which makes Obama UNAMERICAN]

Let us all remain alert concerning Obama's expected presidential candidacy.

The Muslims have said they plan on destroying the US from the inside out, what better way to start than at the highest level - through the President of the United States, one of their own!!!!

[Ever seen The Manchurian Candidate? It's pretty much the same concept: foreign interests put a sleeper in the White House. Except its COMMUNIST CHINKS, not RADICAL MUSLIMS. I bet the author of this sees himself (herself) as the Frank Sinatra/Denzel Washington character that gets to save the day. Actually, I'd have to go with Sinatra]

Please forward to everyone you know. Would you want this man leading our country?...... NOT ME!!!

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What's the lesson here, kids? A vote for Obama is a vote for a RADICAL MUSLIM, QUEER-LOVING, HUMAN RIGHTS SUPPORTING, SKIRT CHASING, PEDOPHILIAC, UNAMERICAN, COMMIE CHINK SYMPATHIZING, NIGGER TERRORIST.

Now, I'm not trying to sway your opinion one way or another, but thought you should all know.

I hope Tupac, DMX, Huey P. Newton, Eazy-E's dick, and a whole gang of Marcellus Wallace's "pipe-hittin' niggers" show up at this dude's house and go to work on his hillbilly ass with a pair of pliers and a blow torch.

*I would changed the black avengers to women, but DMX scares the shit out of me. And he should scare the shit out of you, too.