I Got Fired Today. Seriously.

Just to clear the air, I didn't lose my job today; however, I was fired. I've been engaged in an ongoing battle with Ms. Lawyer Lady (my divorce attorney) over the way she's handled my case. Realistically, she and her assistant have done little more than clerical work. Ms. Ex-Wife Lady and I came to an agreement on the terms of our divorce outside of legal counsel. On our own time.

The Ms. Lawyer Lady's job was essentially filing motions and using the little-known, but highly effective "search and replace" function common to many word processors. Other than that I'm fairly certain the majority of her time was spent trying to find creative methods of overbilling.

Seriously. A single e-mail exchange cost $54. Granted, I asked a lot of questions, but it's not as if she had to dig deep in the well to find the answers.

On December 3rd, the 60-day waiting period expired, the judge had already approved the agreement, and we were ready for the rubber stamp. Until Ms. Lawyer Lady called asking for an additional $3,000 to replenish the original retainer. At this point, she'd already received $3,000 and billed approximately $2,900. She had two hours worth of work to dole out to her assistant to finalize the paperwork. I'm guessing it's about $300 worth of work.

Showing her benevolent side, she agreed to accept $1,000 to move forward. I paid the $1,000 and expected to move forward as suggested. Upon receiving the check, Ms. Lawyer Lady sent an e-mail saying, "Thanks! Once we receive an additional $1,000 we'll find a convenient time to "prove up" the paperwork at the courthouse.

Mu'sucka say what?

While I'm generally a rational person, I've never appreciated getting fucked in the ass without the courtesy of a reach around. I ain't going out like that…

My response was as follows:

Ms. Lawyer Lady,

I'm in receipt of your message from earlier today. I find the request for an additional $1,000 to be both disquieting and disingenuous. Before responding in full, could you please tell me: with the monies paid to-date, do I own the work product?

Her long response referred to contracts and billing practices and regrets and so on. At no point did she offer to eat a bowl of dicks, which would have satisfied my angst. In any case, I let it sit for a week. Though I'm certain to see this exchange billed on my next statement, she confirmed I do, indeed, own the work product.

Today, Ms. Ex-Wife Lady called me. She'd just spoken with Mr. Lawyer Man (her divorce attorney), who'd finally received a voice mail from Ms. Lawyer Lady after he left five unreturned messages. Ms. Lawyer Lady informed him that she had withdrawn from representing me in this case.

Hmm….

I called Ms. Lawyer Lady at lunch.

"Hi, Ms. Lawyer Lady. This is Brenden Scott. I'm calling with regard to an interesting phone call I received earlier today."

"Hi, Brenden. How are you?"

"I'm good, thanks for asking."

I then explained my conversation with Ms. Ex-Wife Lady.

"So, what I'm wondering is: have you, in fact, withdrawn representation?"

"Yes. We're drafting a letter today to send to you. The motion has been filed in court and Mr. Lawyer Man conceded without objection. So once you get the letter, unless you have any objection, we can arrange a time for you to come down and pick up your file. How does that sound?"

"Perfect. Thanks."

Now, I already knew Mr. Lawyer Man had agreed to close out the paperwork once he had it in hand. Honestly, this is the best thing that could happen. I won't have to pay another dime to the swindler, and I should be officially, finally, completely divorced in about 10 days.

Yeah, me!

I never thought I'd be so happy about getting fired.